No Perfect People Allowed

Tue, 27 Mar 2012 18:52:30 -0700

Do me a favor. Before you read any further, I want you to close your eyes and think about the most loving, accepting, judgement-free place you can imagine ... a place that makes you feel absolutely wonderful inside, just by virtue of being there. Ready? Go.

So what came to mind? If I had to guess, I’d say some of you imagined your childhood home ... or perhaps the house of a close friend, the place you’d go to play and have fun, and feel safe and loved. Or maybe you thought about a favorite aunt or uncle, or your grandmother’s kitchen, where the warm cookies on the counter matched the happy feelings in your heart.

Sadly, though, I’d suspect that what most of us didn’t imagine was church. Which is tragic on a whole host of levels, but none more so than the fact that the one place where love and acceptance should flow fully and freely, in lavish abundance, is all too often viewed as a “members only” club for people who have their act together.

Let’s do something to change that perception, shall we? Instead of turning Easter into a dress-up event that’s strictly for spiritual-types, let’s make it what it really is: A day to celebrate in an atmosphere where no perfect people are allowed. In fact, let’s take it one step further: Let’s make sure everyone knows there are no “degrees of imperfection” ... that there’s no master list ranking our sin and shortcomings in hierarchal order, declaring some as acceptable and others beyond redemption.

Because the fact is, there’s only one boat, and we’re all in it. Call it the “Good Ship Imperfection.” No perfect people allowed.

Can you imagine how wonderful it would be if those who don’t attend church discovered a place that was judgement-free, where love and acceptance and grace and generosity of spirit abounds? A place that makes them feel as loved as they ever have, from the moment they walk in the door?

We can do that, you know. All it really takes is a deep, heartfelt acknowledgment of our own imperfection. A clear understanding that we’re just one beggar showing another beggar where to find bread ... the Bread of Life.

This Easter, why not invite someone — who you know doesn’t attend church — to one of our four services? Everyone can use a little love and acceptance in a non-judgmental setting. Let’s give them that, and so much more.

Shall we?

Easter Sunday, April 8th
Services at 9am | 10.45am | 12.30pm
Monday Service at 7pm

Change

Wed, 21 Dec 2011 13:50:15 -0800

It was Mark Twain who once famously remarked “The only person who likes change is a wet baby.” But, like it or not, change is upon us at every turn. In a world that moves at the speed of Twitter, change is inevitable — whether we want it or not.

But what kind of change? So often I meet people who want a quick answer to life’s difficult issues … preferably in 140 characters or less. They want to slap a band-aid over a serious life-wound, and then go on about their daily business. Fast and easy, no pain — or significant effort — required.

That’s change, alright. But not the kind that will produce lasting results. When you address only the symptoms, while ignoring the root cause, you’re simply prolonging the inevitable.

Real change — the kind that lasts — happens when we deal with the source of the problem.

And that’s exactly what I love best about Christmas. God didn’t just give us some temporary fix. He didn’t gloss over our dilemma, or try to act like everything was okay when it wasn’t. He went straight to the heart of the matter, and — at the perfect time — gave us a gift beyond measure.

As the Bible puts it, “In the fullness of time, God sent forth His Son.” (Galatians 4:4)

Real change begins with the realization that we’ve got to address the real issue. Unless and until we embrace God’s gift — a loving, personal relationship with His Son — we’ll continue to be frustrated by short term solutions that don’t work over the long haul.

Most of us have friends, family, neighbors or co-workers who excel at slapping a band-aid on their wounds as they navigate through life. How great would it be if, this year, instead of treating the symptoms, they began to address the cause?

You can help them do that, you know. Most people celebrate Christmas in one form or fashion. Why not take a risk, and invite them to attend a Christmas service with you? Your willingness to step out of your own comfort zone, and ask them to go with you, could be just the impetus they need to begin moving forward, toward real change.

The kind that produces lasting results — not only in this life, but also in the one to come.

Talk To Me

Sat, 26 Nov 2011 12:41:31 -0800

For some years now, a popular theory has asserted that women have almost twice the verbal capacity of men on an everyday basis. While the actual “daily word count” has come under recent scrutiny, one thing cannot be denied: When it comes to communication and relational skills, most women can take most men with one hand tied behind their back.

Part of that, perhaps, can be attributed to the difference in the male and female brain. One recent study suggests that a woman’s brain simply devotes more brain cells to talking than a man’s brain does. The study goes on to imply that the “simple act of talking” triggers a flood of brain chemicals that give women a physiological reaction that’s entirely pleasurable, something akin to the endorphins that get released when we exercise. By contrast, the study says, the areas responsible for communication, emotion and memory are all pared back in a man’s brain. The study’s author describes the difference between the verbal capacity of men and women like this: “Women have an eight-lane superhighway for processing emotion, while men have a small country road.”

Whether the difference is genetic, as suggested above, or more attributable to cultural influences and social conditioning, it doesn’t change the way things get lived out daily in our marriages. The truth is, most wives want – and, in fact, need – far more communication from their husbands than they’re currently receiving.

And not just “any ‘ol kind” of communication, either. Oh no. We’re talking about real communication here. When your wife says “Talk To Me,” what she’s really asking for is a deep sense of connection with you. She wants to know your innermost thoughts and feelings, what’s really going on inside of you. She wants honesty and openness, the kind of communication that’s built over time and supported by piers of trust and transparency.

All of us communicate at different levels, depending upon whom we’re speaking with. There’s the “elevator talk” that we use for much of our daily interaction with others – the mailman, the checkout clerk at the grocery store, acquaintances we pass by on the street. We’re not really sharing anything at all about who we are – instead, we’re simply exchanging pleasantries, talking about the weather, or the big game coming up, or last night’s TV show. It’s upbeat and friendly, but distinctly non-personal.

One step up from that type of communication is “the news report.” Think about that old TV show “Dragnet” and you’ll have the idea – it’s Joe Friday asking for “just the facts, ma’m, just the facts.” It involves sharing what you know, without much emotion or feeling involved. It’s like the story about the boy who was at the dinner table after church one Sunday, and his mom asked, “How was Sunday School?” Came the reply: “Fine.” Wanting to draw him out a bit, his mother asked, “What did the teacher talk about?” Came the reply: “Sin.” A bit exasperated, his mother probed, “Well, what did he say about it?” To which her son replied, “He was against it.”

Frankly, men are masters at this type of communication. The left side of our brain takes over and we just spit out the facts, as though we were as Vulcan as Mr. Spock, incapable of emotion and simply there to share the facts in a logical way. It’s useful in certain contexts – say, if you’re a lawyer in the courtroom, or if you need to quickly communicate about whether you picked up the kids after soccer practice like you were supposed to – but it most certainly doesn’t do anything in terms of building an emotional connection. In fact, it accomplishes the exact opposite.

A deeper level of communication is what I call “the editorial.” That occurs when we move beyond just sharing the facts, and begin to interpret them. It’s the level where we add our opinion about things. We might, for example, reveal our political leanings, or our thoughts about the coach who just got hired, or our review of the new restaurant down the street. It’s the stuff of the blogosphere and talk radio, where some have attracted quite a following by simply sharing their point of view on any number of topics.

When it comes to your wife’s need for connection – when you hear those words “Talk to Me” – let me be perfectly clear: she’s not talking about any of the aforementioned levels of communication. She doesn’t want elevator talk. She doesn’t want the news report. She doesn’t even want the editorial.

You see, most of our communication occurs at those first three levels – as much as 95% of it. It’s very comfortable and fairly safe – we’re not likely to share too much of “the editorial” unless we know we’re among a receptive audience. It’s on those three levels where we live the majority of the time – at the office, in our social context, when we interact with most of our friends.

But your wife needs more than that. When she says “Talk to Me,” what she’s asking for is communication at a deep, emotional level. She wants the level where you take the risk to share what you feel. She wants to know your hopes and fears, your likes and dislikes, your anger and your tears. She wants you to be transparent with her, to share the hidden places within yourself, so that she walks away from that communication with new insights into who you really are. She wants honesty and openness, a level of communication that shows her how much you truly trust her.

And make no mistake about it – that level of communication requires lots of trust. Most of us can count on one hand, with fingers left over, how many people we’ve ever had in our lives that we open up to like that. Nevertheless, it’s something your wife yearns for ... and something that will dramatically improve your marriage.

Adapted from “Before the Vow Breaks” by Mark and Terri Evans. To get your copy, please click here.

This Ain’t Working

Sat, 12 Nov 2011 16:02:53 -0800

New York Yankees great Yogi Berra is often lauded for his accomplishments on the field, as both a player and a manager. But it’s what he’s accomplished off the field that impresses me the most.

You see, Berra has been married to his wife for more than 50 years. Perhaps it’s this quote that explains the secret to their successful marriage:

“We have a good time together. Even when we’re not together.”

I’m pretty sure Yogi didn’t intend to, but he actually hit on two important keys for a great relationship. You need to know how to have a good time together — in other words, how to have fun. And you need to know the other person is thinking about you, even when you’re apart from each other.

A solid, sustainable marriage doesn’t just “happen.” It takes effort. And, frankly, sometimes it takes a lot of effort.

When I counsel couples whose marriage isn’t working — for one or both of them — it’s usually because they’ve become bogged down in finger-pointing, holding on to past hurts, and the paralysis of inaction. For a relationship to thrive, each person has to be willing to:

• Accept their part in the problem. You’ve heard the old saying, but it’s true: There are always two sides to every story. Understanding what your spouse is feeling, and how your actions affect them, is the first step toward developing empathy and getting the relationship back on the right track.

• Admit the unresolved hurt. Life is full of nicks and cuts, little bruises that, if dealt with on a daily basis, are not that big a deal. But when we hold on to them, and nurse them, we only end up hurting ourselves. The best course of action is to get them all out on the table, deal with them, and then move on.

• Always be willing to do whatever it takes. The fastest route to a great marriage occurs when both people are willing to give their all — when both are willing to lay aside their tendency to ‘keep score,’ and instead focus on serving and meeting the needs of their partner.

When a couple is willing to put that kind of effort into the relationship, more often than not it will lead to a place of greater love, joy and companionship. In fact, you’ll likely find yourself enjoying common ground with Yogi Berra — having a good time together. Even when you’re not together.

The Principle of the First

Sat, 22 Oct 2011 19:45:15 -0700

Many of us have had the experience of flipping through a cookbook, or perhaps browsing online, searching for a new recipe that will make a memorable meal. Most of the time it will list the ingredients at the beginning, followed by step-by-step instructions for how to prepare the particular dish. So I had to laugh when I came across an older recipe for baked fish that started with this injunction: “First, catch the fish.”

If nothing else, the writer knew how to put first things first. But it made me think about how often we skip over certain steps, in so many areas of our lives. We take for granted that someone else is going to “catch the fish” on our behalf.

It’s an easy mindset to fall into, right? So much work gets done behind the scenes that, often, we’re not even sure where the process begins. We just assume that others are going to take care of it, and we can jump in at some point down the line. We don’t even think about the steps that occurred prior to our getting involved, or what comes first.

Which is fine — perhaps even helpful — when it comes to food preparation, but just the opposite in our spiritual lives. If we don’t know what comes first in that arena, we run the risk of missing out on the purpose, plan and blessing that God has for us.

When it comes to our relationship with God, there’s a definite order the Bible teaches. It’s the Principle of the First: Go to God first, and Give to God first.

When Jesus was teaching about the basics we all need — food to eat, something to drink, clothing to wear — He reminded us of this truth: “But seek first His Kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” (Matthew 6:33) As Jesus put it, “your Heavenly Father knows that you need all these things.” In other words — don’t allow yourself to be consumed by your need. Keep your focus where it belongs, with a faith that acknowledges God’s willingness and desire to provide for you. Go to Him first, before you do anything else.

Likewise, when God blesses us — with time, talent, income, possessions — the Principle of the First calls us to put our faith in action by giving the “first fruits” to God’s work. Throughout Scripture, God reminds us that we’re to bring an offering to Him first, before we do anything else. When we tithe, the amount has absolutely nothing to do with it. It’s all about priorities, about who is going to be first in our lives. God? Or ourselves? When we consecrate the first to God, the remainder is redeemed.

As we head into the holiday season, what better way to kick it off than by embracing the Principle of the First? It’s a surefire recipe for living with greater purpose, satisfaction and fulfillment. Adapt it as you will, but just remember: First, you have to catch the fish.